His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Mom said you looked used
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
