Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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