a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
