My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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