When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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