The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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