I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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