I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
