I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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