Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize