Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
