I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
