oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
