I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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