census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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