I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
