apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
