I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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