I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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