i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
