do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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