Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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