As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
