Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
