I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
"it" just moved
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I love you.
Bad choice
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