Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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