i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
