I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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