My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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