I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
