rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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