We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
