i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
