I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i would punch a child for taco bell
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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