I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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