Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Someone signed my nipple.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
