I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize