Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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