Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Your cock deserves a montage
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
