so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
