I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
