Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
