Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
