Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
