Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
