Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
smell my finger.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
