Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
