we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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