Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
