peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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