True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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