oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
