you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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