i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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