Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
